By Megan Rogers

Every year, I dread the New Year’s Eve bar hop. But complaining about annual holiday events before, during and after they happen is half the fun. I wouldn’t miss the NYE bar hop for the world — or a worldwide pandemic.

Photo by Moritz Knöringer on Unsplash

Nine months in, the pandemic has already taken so much: Loved ones, normalcy and the ability to stand maskless in the Target candle aisle for hours. …

Photo by Food Photographer | Jennifer Pallian on Unsplash

Is this video on?

Can you hear me?

I can see you.

You can see me?

The whole family’s here. We look like the Brady Bunch!

Caleb, my favorite nephew, pass the cranberry sauce, would ya?

I’m thankful I made it through the pandemic with my sense of humor intact, and that we still have two closets full of toilet paper for the winter COVID spike.

So the election, huh?

Sorry, did I break up? Nobody responded.

I think we could have done this in person. We’re family. We share germs. …

Mom knows someone who only got coal and a yo-yo with a broken string for Christmas one year, so it could happen.

Photo by cottonbro from Pexels

For a five-year-old like me, the holiday season means sugar, presents, getting to stay up late and STRESS. It’s all on me, a kindergarten student, to keep the magic of the holiday season alive for my family.

I’m under constant surveillance this time of year. Mom’s watching. Santa’s watching. Broken-down adults are watching wherever we go, trying to soak up any semblance of childlike wonder. If I pinch my brother once, even if he’s copying me during playtime, Mom’s going to call Santa and he’ll put me on the naughty list. …

Windex apples, onions, and grapes until you can see your reflection.

Photo by Photography Maghradze PH from Pexels

Eat foods from the earth. Apples, potatoes, carrot tops, pumpkin vines, corn stalks, mud, bark and sycamore trees.

Eat whole foods. Devour a full cantaloupe, an entire jackfruit, or a blooming pistachio tree in one sitting.

Cut the clutter. More than one almond at a time makes you a hoarder.

Windex apples, onions, and grapes until you can see your reflection.

Eat foods in their natural state. Don’t dress a salad or skirt a steak.

Shop local. Break into your neighbor’s kitchen and raid their produce drawers.

Grout strawberries. Caulk cauliflowers. Lint roll lemons.

The leaner the protein, the milder…

An email hack at a private college kept me asking “what really happened?”

Set a twisty thriller against a glittering backdrop and I won’t leave my couch until I finish the book.

The most recent I cannot sleep or move on with daily life until I reach the final page book I read was Reputation by Sara Shepard, which tracks the fallout after a hack releases emails of all students and staff at a private college. OK, an email hack may not be a rousing who-done-it, but in the hands of the Pretty Little Liars author, it’s a riveting read.

I typically read thrillers only a few times a year because I’m a…

It’s gonna be a terrible dating season for everyone!

what a snuggly scythe you have!

Aries (March 21 — April 19)- Isn’t it nice to have someone to snuggle as it gets colder, Aries? Good thing your new boyfriend looks like he stepped out of an L.L. Bean catalog. Be warned: Aries is a fire sign, but cozying up fireside is not in your future. As the weather worsens, Mr. L.L. Bean switches his flannel button downs for sexy wool sweaters. And you, my precious Aries, are allergic to wool.

Taurus (April 20 — May 20)- As Venus descends into your eighth house, you’re shaken by a dark development. Your girlfriend’s family runs a Turkey…

Photo by Melissa Walker Horn on Unsplash

Each spring, I imagine myself zen and poolside, engrossed in summer reads. It’s an aspirational dream as my summer reading tends to take place in far less glamorous locations: During the monotonous part of a road trip, at a park where mosquitos are feasting on my shins or while I’m melting into a couch and bemoaning my lack of air conditioning.

These are the books that transported me to new (sometimes more glamorous, typically more air conditioned) worlds this summer:

Daisy Jones & The Six by Taylor Jenkins Reid

Daisy Jones is an enigmatic singer-songwriter with an oversized personality. Billy…

Buy a home here NOW!

Imagine this but with even fewer trees!

Evergreen Pines Neighborhood

Come see how we’ve replaced tall, leafy trees with uniform shrubbery. Each house is designed to squeeze in a family of four, with 6 bedrooms, 5 baths, and a 3-acre yard. For $2.4 million, you can spend ten hours a week landscaping. The friendly, safety-focused neighborhood association will fine homeowners $72 for each errant branch.

Oak Court

For years, a giant oak tree stood sentinel by these houses (8 bd, 5 ba, 7,000 sq. ft.), providing shade and awe. Now, you have an uninterrupted view of a lawn that will always need mowing. …

By Megan Rogers

Photo by Cesar Saravia on Unsplash

At Bella’s Salon, we have a few expectations for the ways moms should behave during their haircut. Before we send you off to your next carpool shift, consider the following rules:

There must be a child on your lap while we style your hair. If your child is not present, a squirming toddler will be provided, free of cost.

You must use a coupon.

To get started, we’ll shampoo your hair. Right as we get to the scalp massage, our salon cat will scratch your baby. …

Megan Rogers

Humor writer. Described in family Christmas letters as an avid reader. @MegRog01

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