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Hot Girl Summers, Adapted For A Hotter Future
Hot girls no longer use the 100 emoji to rate their friends’ outfits or respond to news of a friend’s promotion as the emoji is now exclusively used to complain about the temperature outside.
Hot girls claim summer, fall, winter, and spring as their seasons as the earth’s temperature rises by 1.5 degrees Celsius over the next twenty years.
Hot girls throw shade at Facebook for letting climate misinformation run wild. It’s for reasons like these that hot girls left Facebook years ago.
Hot girls drink canned hard seltzer on unicorn floats with their friends in dried up lake beds as pools are banned because of extreme droughts. Between hyping up their friends and living their best lives, hot girls organize protests and flood their representatives with calls for action, but political leaders take no action and climate change deniers continue to be elected to Congress.
Hot girls stop settling for mediocre sex. In fact, hot girls stop having any sex at all because they don’t want to risk bringing a child into a world that’s burning. Besides, hot girls invented solar-powered vibrators.
Hot girls stop thinking about their bodies, but not because the body neutrality movement has succeeded. It’s just too damn hot to care about how you look when all you’re doing is lying in front of a fan because your boob sweat could fill an empty pool.
Hot girls switch from low-rise shorts to low-rise bikini bottoms to low-rise thongs. Each new trend prompts a New York Times columnist to waste space policing women’s bodies rather than holding the world’s largest polluters accountable.
Hot girls refuse to use the new Instagram filter that erases the haze from wildfire smoke from photos because they’re using their platforms to take a stand.
Hot girls no longer use the 100 emoji to rate their friends’ outfits or respond to news of a friend’s promotion as the emoji is now exclusively used to complain about the temperature outside.
Hot girls roll their eyes when oil and gas companies try to convince them that they could solve climate change if only they used fewer plastic tampon applicators and instead continue to take meaningful action as activists for the planet and humanity.
Hot girls drink pumpkin spice lattes during the one week each year when it’s cold enough for a hot beverage. Cool girl autumn never arrives.
Megan Rogers has been published in The Belladonna Comedy and McSweeney’s Internet Tendency. Follow her on Twitter @MegRog01.
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